One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
