the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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