I think my fart just growled at me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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