Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize