I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
