...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I need moral support for this bender
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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