Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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