just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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