dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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