friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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