just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
