I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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