can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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