Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
