he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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