First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
