i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
