I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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