I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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