I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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