I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
