How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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