i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
