I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
