You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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