Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
