it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
