remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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