Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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