Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
