So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
