i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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