I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
