Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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