My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
