i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
