hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
