Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
