Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
