Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
