I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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