hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
