When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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