Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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