haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
