Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
