So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize