either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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