Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
