After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
