So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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