saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize