I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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