I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
