We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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