I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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