I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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